Oh Shit What’s Happening? An Entire Post About Poop.

We all know about poop, we know the good from the bad and all that falls in the middle. We know that after a night of binge drinking, tomorrow might not look so great for numerous reasons. Some of us know that cheese is not our friend. And when things are going right, 90% of the rest of our lives, poop is just something we don’t think about.

And for me it was the same. 90% of the time life and poop just happened. No big to-do about it. That is until I got pregnant.

I know most of you (previously and current pregnant ladies) are rolling your eyes… “yeah – yeah we know constipation.” At this moment I wish constipation was my problem. Shit for that matter I wish hemorrhoids would pay me a visit. 

Everything I have read, from What to Expect When You Are Expecting, to online pregnancy websites like The Bump . com states, one of the physical symptoms of pregnancy is constipation due to hormones and the added Iron in prenatal supplements. Not one states the complete opposite of “Move fast you need to shit NOW!”

Get where I am going with this? Not once but twice I have had an Oh Shit moment and I tell you one was extreme and so embarrassing that I am only now able to write about it 4 weeks later.

My not so extreme moment happened during one of our evening walks at 19 weeks pregnant. Daddy O and I had slowly been building up to a 2 mile walk. This evening we hit ¾ of a mile when I felt a bubble in my gut. I stopped and looked around. Daddy O stopped with me. “You ok?” I looked at him and said maybe… “I can’t tell if this is just gas.” He laughed and pointed to the orchard that still had tall grass in between the rows. I looked at him, scrunched my face and felt it was just gas. We kept walking.

But then another twinge caused me to slow down. I looked at my hand. I had a single tissue that was crumpled but I was starting to sweat. This was either going to be air or it was going to be more than that and I might be wishing I took my chances with this crumpled up tissue. I told Daddy O to walk ahead and I would catch up.

Why so scared about Gas… lets go back about 4 weeks…

It was a quiet evening, I was 15 weeks pregnant. Daddy O had gone to bed early after a full day of working in the orchard helping to get trees planted. I was sitting in the living room surrounded by our 3 dogs and watching a movie on DVD that I had watched a hundred times before. About an hour into my movie I sensed (you know) that I needed to use the bathroom. I got up from sitting on the floor and began walking the ten feet to our restroom.

Bridesmaids. "It's Happening"

Bridesmaids. “It’s Happening”

Have you seen the movie Bridesmaids? You know the scene where the friend, the bride is in a wedding dress running across the street… then she is down to the ground in the middle of the road? Yes…

Imagine that happening in your kitchen. Can’t imagine it, wouldn’t wish it on the girl in high school who picked on you for no reason. I couldn’t either until I found my self uncontrolled and sinking to the ground. Between tears of cleaning up my own mess  and gagging I was glad Daddy O was not present to witness my, SHIT up to my KNEES, event. Although I would have welcomed the help I don’t think I could handle the knowledge that someone else witnessed a moment like that.

For 2 weeks afterwards if I so much as needed to pass gas I would plop myself on a toilet without hesitation. So that brings us back to our walk at week 19 and my tiny piece of crumpled tissue. All I have to say is I am glad I took my chances with that tiny tissue cause I certainly would have traumatized Daddy O and had a very long uncomfortable walk home.

The End… I can’t promise there won’t be any more Tales Of Poop but I hope none result in tears and throwing out clothes again.

Medical explanation: Pregnancy hormones relax muscles to allow the body to stretch and accommodate the growing uterus and baby. It relaxes the muscles in the esophagus, causing heartburn and acid reflux. So guess what is on the opposite end of the esophagus? 


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