The Truth? I am worried. The Other Truth? I am excited.

When Daddy O and I first got married we had decided children weren’t in our future. If they happened, they happened, but we weren’t going to actively try for any. 13 years later and an Army career behind us, we were pregnant with our first and having the conversations that were laid to rest 13 years earlier all over again. The conversation was pretty simple, how many do we want to have cause we weren’t going to stop with just one. And the answer we always ended up on was five. Why five? Well that is hard to explain and easy in a strange way. Two is too few, 3 is too odd and four was too even. So Five. Makes sense right? Not really but it feels right to us. Now the tricky part. At the time I got pregnant with our first, Declan, I was 35. But trying to add 4 more into our family, while my body naturally can, might be tough. Who knows how quickly I could get pregnant after each child.

Baby toes

Fast forward and I am pregnant with our second, making Declan have a sibling that is only 13 months younger than him. So as it is I will be 36 with two babies that are only one year apart. I am excited, excited that they will be close in age and that Declan won’t remember a time without his sister. I am excited that this plan of five kids just might work out. The worried part? Well that isn’t so much about my age or the number of kids we want. I am not worried about the birth of this second baby, not yet, and I am happy to be pregnant so soon after the first. My worry is about time.

I have great days and hard days being home 100% of the time as a mom. After leaving the house at 18 and being independence for the past 17 years I feel like I have adapted pretty well to this change. I completely love being with Declan, watching him learn, and seeing him wake up in the morning with a huge smile for me. I miss him when he sleeps  through the night and when I go to the grocery store during his nap. I am obsessed with him and I am certain the feeling is mutual. My worry is that when his sister comes, we will lose that bond. I breastfed Declan and plan to do the same with little sister. And having done it once I know a little more about what to expect and what is realistic in terms of my time and the limits breastfeeding will place on me and my body the first few weeks. There are things I will definitely do more of that I didn’t after the first birth. One being bed rest, I will rest and not cook or clean for the first two weeks. Little Sister and I will take advantage of every inch of the kingsize bed and live it up in love with one another. But I still worry.

Daddy O has been getting the slow intro to all of the things Declan and I do throughout the day but will it be the same for him once Dad is doing it full-time while Little Sister and I work out the details. Will Declan know that I still love him even if I don’t put him down for all his sleeps? Will he know I care about him if I am not there to make him all his meals and cover him in kisses after his baths? It makes me sad to think that I will miss moments of his life after Little Sister is here. I know he will be fine that he will still love me, that he will give me even bigger hugs and love on his sister when he sees us between naps and feedings. I just hope I survive the squishy Declan messy kisses withdrawal that will happen the first few days or weeks.

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